my heart. jumbled thoughts.


It's not about forcing happiness, its about not letting the sadness win.
  - The Wonder Years

I think it is time to share my heart with you all.
First, though, I would like to apologize.
Not for not blogging. I needed that break.
I have expereienced a lot in the past month and every time I sat down to write, it just felt wrong.
The words didn't flow and it felt forced.
No, no.
I want to apologize for not keeping in touch with those who have emailed, text, encouraged, and just shined a bright light in my life.
I'm so grateful for you all.
I just wish that I didn't close the world out when I am dealing with situations in my life.
I have used my Instagram and Facebook occassionally, but there has been so much lacking of communication with anyone by any type of media.
I just want you to know I haven't forgotten you.
I have read your texts, emails, etc.
I'm grateful for them.
I don't mind if they were a day or a week late...frankly, I haven't responded in so long that there is truly no need for an apology, sweet friends.

I never put one foot into something.
 I never half way fall into it.
 I leap with everything I have.
I run full force with everything in my being...
...& my heart is a fragile thing because of it.
I try to care and love for others the way that Christ does for me so willingly, though I don't deserve it.

I think that because I am that way, that everyone else would be, as well.
I am always saddened when I realize that that is not the case.

Isn't it a strange thing how the emotions you have attached to someone makes you feel as though no harm could befall you.
Then, all at once, and ever so suddenly, it comes crashing down on you.
It leaves you confused and wondering what is wrong with you.

I think I have shed more tears in the past week than I have in months.
As time passes it isn't so much about an individual person, but more about how so many have left me feeling this way.
I try so much to be kind.
I try to treat others the way that we all desire to be treated.
It doesn't seem to be enough.
I have no clue why people let go of good things in their life.
If I did then I wouldn't have spent a few nights asking God "Why?" so many times.

There are days I wish I didn't have the personality traits that not only are my strength, but forever my weakness, as well.
It feels like a heavy burden I can't fix.
But do you know what?
I love myself.
I love who God has shaped and molded me into be.
I may not be right for those that have been in my life, but I will be right for someone that God has for me in the future.
There is pure joy in that knowledge.
Pure joy.

I am grateful.

"For what you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing: it also depends on what sort of person you are."
-C.S. Lewis

**the wonder years quote was found via amber's post, whom I adore.