Thoughts ... & more thoughts.

I've had a lot on my mind lately.
Well, I guess I always have a lot on my mind.
It literally never shuts off except for the few, short hours of sleep I get each night.
They are mostly just thoughts. 
I figured I would share them with you. 

I'm more than grateful for having Nathan in my life. I'm not even sure if he realizes how much. I've dated a lot of men in the past, and please trust me when I tell you all that I am very blessed. 


I am learning more and more that I am way too hard on myself. People I barely know tell me that. :/ That worries me. I try not to vocalize how I feel about myself in a negative way, but I guess it does come out sometimes. Most days I love who God created me to be. I love my personality and the ability I have to become friends with just about anyone. I don't however feel like I'm "worthy" or "good enough" at times for the people in my life. Then there are just the petty things that as women we tend to fret about: hair, clothes, weight, etc. 


I am always broke. Always. I am constantly stressed out with finances and paying back all the debt I owe. More than that, I have been worrying about tithing. There has been quite a lack of that. I know it is mostly because I feel like I have none to give so why should I put myself even farther in the hole?! BUT, God has been stirring my heart in this area. I must trust Him. For a widow who gave the only two coins she had was praised by God over the ones who gave what they felt was "enough".


Commitment. I need to do what I say I will do. This is with friends, family, work, prayer life, events, promises, etc. I have trouble with keeping my word at times. I know we all fall short of this sometimes, but I am striving to be better at it.


Where does all the time go? I'm serious. Time flies by so fast. I'm not even 25 yet and I remember thinking that time was passing so slowly. Pssh. I was wrong, folks. I honestly find myself planning an entire week in my head step-by-step with any available time I may or may not have. It's sad, I know. No judgement, please. ;) I just feel like I never have enough time to fit everything in. Do you ever feel like that?


& finally, this song has been on repeat for the past two days.
I don't know why to be honest.
It's actually pretty sad, but I love it. 



I am so sleepy now. It's off to catch some shut eye.
I hope you all had the best Monday!
much love.


PS.  My brother, sister-in-law, and nephews came in from Texas this afternoon!
They will be home for two weeks. :) I am so happy.

my feelings when I woke up...

This morning has been a bit rough on me.
I am extremely stressed about whether or not I will get the job at the hospital.
I went in to shadow on Wednesday afternoon.
I found out yesterday that they are having another girl shadow today.
: /
I don't really know what will happen, but it just kind of put me in low spirits to start off with this morning.

Then on top of that ... I have been very sensitive about all of my friends getting married, having babies, enjoying their careers.
There are moments that I am content being single & realize that when the appropriate time arrives, then I will have those things as well.
It is just hard sometimes.

Plus, I have been thinking a lot about a past relationship that I had.
We knew each other for like 6 years and dated off and on in between that time.
It wasn't that he was a horrible guy.
We just wanted two very different things in life.
I had a lot going on, as did he.
I have come to terms with that never working.
However, my heart becomes a little sad because he has been the only man in my life that I felt genuinely loved me for me.
He didn't want me to change me or the way I looked.
I know he cared for me, as I did for him.
We would never have lasted in the long run.
The older I get the more I realize just how hard reality can be.
We were just two very different people, heading in two different directions.

All that to say that I wonder if I will get all the things that my heart desires.
I realize that patience is very important ... especially for females and dealing with this kind of stuff.
It just isn't always easy to have patience.

Anyways, sorry for that bit of a rant there.
Everything happens for a reason & things come in due time!
I really do believe that.

I hope you have a wonderful Friday, friends!
much love, colie.